Assemble furniture from kits (badly)

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Introduction

First, a disclaimer - in this guide, all the products mentioned are examples only. I am not familiar with these specific products but I am familiar with similar products. As this guide is light-hearted, it does not matter which specific products are included. I am also assuming that all this furniture comes in sections that have to be fitted together before use. This is the crux of the matter – it all looks so simple – a few pieces of wood, metal and plastic that just need to be joined together. Simple, eh? Actually, no, especially not for me.

Tools

You'll need a hammer, a set of screwdrivers, a mallet, pliers and a drill that can be used instead of a screwdriver to tighten up those pesky screws, and a few other tools. Here are some examples.

Furniture

Examples of the kind of stuff I've had to assemble.

Appropriate songs

I was one of several unemployed people doing some self-assembly in a charity factory. Another worker had a radio turned on to an oldies radio station. Some of the song titles (It's impossible, I fall to pieces) seemed particularly appropriate. That's why I did this guide. This section provides many more songs for those struggling to assemble furniture.

Very Best of Perry Como It's impossible – well it is for me. Of course, you make it seem so easy.

Patsy Cline - The Definitive Collection I fall to pieces – so the furniture keeps telling me.

Highway 101: Greatest Hits The bed you made for me – if anybody is expecting me to make a bed, they've got no chance. I struggle with chairs and tables.

If I Had a Hammer: Songs of Hope & Struggle (Pete Seeger) If I had a hammer – I'd be very careful about the hand that holds the nail that the hammer is required to attack. Hope & Struggle? Little hope but plenty of struggle.

Move Over Darling: the Complete Stiff Recordings< (Tracey Ullman) Shattered – so there was a pane of glass in that carton? It's a bit late to tell me now.

Classics & Collectibles (Dusty Springfield) Bits and pieces – this is what you start with and if you don't carry out the instructions correctly, it's what you end up with.

Original Gold (Bobby Darin) If I were a carpenter – then I wouldn't have any problem. Unfortunately I don't have the talent.

Now & Then: Greatest Hits 1964-2004 (Roger Whittaker) If I were a rich man – then I wouldn't bother with self-assembly. I could afford proper furniture.

Very Best of Bernard Cribbins Right said Fred – if you've decided it's safer with ready-made furniture, the perils of getting it moved as described in this song will make you think twice.

Hot & Sassy (Peggy Scott-Adams) If it ain't broke don't fix it – good idea but any furniture I assemble gets broken quickly

Surfacing (Sarah McLachlan) Building a mystery – the art of building furniture is truly a mystery to me

Anthology (Brenda Lee) Big four poster bed – the prospect of building one of these from a self-assembly kit doesn't bear thinking about

Monster (R.E.M.) Bang and blame – I bang away with the hammer and I get the blame for the results

Runt (Todd Rundgren) Broke down and busted – you should have asked somebody else to assemble that swivel chair

Classics (John Conlee) Busted – my furniture and my finances

Give it up (Bonnie Raitt) Give it up - unfortunately, I have no choice just now.

From the heart, greatest hits (Bonnie Tyler) It's a heartache to see all that wasted furniture being scrapped, but I don't feel guilty.

Appalachian Blues (Stella Parton) The missing part - always plenty of those to cause endless frustration

Tunnel of Love (Bruce Springsteen) Spare parts - sometimes included to confuse me, making me wonder what to do with them. Even more confusing if there are missing parts.

Ultimate Collection (Madness) Our house, House of fun – the place where all this furniture is destined for, if it can be assembled correctly.

Rubber Soul (The Beatles) Norwegian wood – I don't mind where the wood comes from as long as it behaves itself (it never does).

Legends (Waylon Jennings) Door is always open – it won't shut. If you want it to shut, take the thing apart and fit it together yourself.

Little things mean a lot (Kitty Kallen) Little things mean a lot – especially when they're the bits that have just rolled under the sofa.

Sue (Frazier Chorus) Dream kitchen – hey, I do badly with tables and chairs. Do you really want me to try kitchen furniture? If so, please check one of the other tracks on this album Anarchy in the UK.

Brothers in Arms (Dire Straits) Money for nothing - anybody who pays money for something I've assembled gets nothing worth having. Dire straits - definitely.

Rays & Hail 1978-81 (Magazine) Song from under the floorboards – now I've really messed up.

Duets (Barbra Streisand) No more tears (enough is enough) - I'm really fed up.

60er: That's Nice (Various Artists) They're coming to take me away ha-ha – not before time.

Very best of Herman's Hermits Years may come, years may go – peace at last, for a while anyway.

Born to Be/Affectionately Melanie (Melanie) I'm back in town – Nooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!!

1 (Beatles) Yesterday – when all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they're here to stay.

Those were the days (Mary Hopkin) Goodbye again, hopefully never to assemble any more furniture.